[***]
Honey, just how long are you gonna be home for?
Two glorious, foot-picking days.
Well, pace yourself, dear.
You know, if you pick too much today,
you'll have nothing left to pick tomorrow.
And you know how we all look forward
to your annual ear, nose and tooth medley.
You know, it's a shame you don't have another arm.
Then you could just sorta get 'em all goin' at once.
You know, Peg, if you'd wash my socks,
they might not adhere to my feet.
Great, Dad.
[QUIETLY] Thanks for the great time.
Oh, Daddy.
You're home.
I, um... I got up early
so I could get you theSunday paper.
Where is it?
Where's what?
Gee, Kel.
You're wearin' the same dress
you wore out for your date last night.
How does it keep its shape in the glove compartment of a car?
Oh, go kiss your Stridex pad.
Now, wait a minute.
Is everybody gonna be home today?
Not me.
I've gotta get some money for tickets
to the Oozing Meat concert tomorrow.
So I've gotta roll up my sleeves
and work really hard to get this money.
[WEEPING] Oh, Daddy, can I have the money, please?!
All the kids are going, and it's only $175!
[WEEPING] Then I'm afraid that you can't go, pumpkin!
Mommy, can I have the money?
All the kids are going.
Crying only works on men, dear.
Well, there aren't any more in the room.
Oh, I gotta get that money, but I don't know how.
Ugh, my head hurts.
I have to rest.
[SIGHS]
Come on, Kel.
Just do like I do: Use your wits.
I do.
I said "wits."
With a W.
Mommy, he's spelling at me again.
Stop taxing your sister, Bud.
I don't know what you're so happy about, warthog.
You need money for tickets too.
Au contraire, boy-go-round.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I have my ticket.
How?
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
We're ready to go camping.
Well, have a good time.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
What now?
You're taking us camping, Bundy.
We own you.
We bought you in an auction.
See?
"Go a-campin' and a-trappin' with Al Dan'l Bundy"?
Bud, did you sell your dad?
Well, you were the only thing in this house we could spare.
Honey, this will be great for the kids.
A-campin' and a-trappin',
a-pickin' and a-flickin'.
You know, you can have a toe jamboree.
Hey, Al.
Well, hi, there, neighborhood tykes.
Hey, it's the guy who gives us potatoes on Halloween.
Steve, look what Bud did.
"Wilderness man and trapper. Learn how to survive."
Bundy's tryin' to weasel out of the deal.
How can you disappoint these kids, Al?
Look at their innocent little faces.
Tell you what.
I'll take ya, little fellas.
ALL: Yeah!
But you're not the great-great- grandson of Dan'l Bundy.
That's true.
My ancestors could read and write.
Aw, come on, Al.
If you trap too many b'ars to carry home, I'll help ya.
I would rather slam my nose in a car door.
I would rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook.
I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease
than take these little booger-machines camping.
Well, good, honey. Then we can spend
the whole day together snuggling.
Up, campers!
Let's go get us some gear,
chip in for gas,
and get me the hell outta here.
[CAMPERS CHEER]
Have a good time, Dad.
Uh, not so fast, Dan'l Jr.
See, if I'm a-goin', you're a-goin'.
The only difference is...
I'm a-comin' back.
Ah, the great outdoors.
This is camping.
Isn't this great?
Just smell that air.
I was markin' our territory.
I'm glad you're in a jovial mood.
You fall asleep at the wheel,
you roll the van, you lose our supplies,
and, thanks to you, we're gonna die.
I want my mommy.
Yeah, so does your dad's brother.
Al, that is not the way to keep a child's spirits up.
You have to keep children busy.
Involve them with something.
Okay, kids... with me, right here.
Help!
ALL: Help!
[SIGHS]
Isn't this nice?
The whole house to ourselves.
Wish it could always be like this.
No noses to wipe, no tears to dry,
no one to send to their rooms.
It is so nice without Al.
Mrs. Rhoades, you look lovely tonight.
Why, thank you, dear.
Can you give me $175 so I can go to a rock concert?
I wouldn't give my own daughter $175.
Hopefully I'll like her.
Kelly, how many times have I told you?
Mommy's friends are to loan Mommy money.
My life is over.
I might as well be her.
Oh, honey, just do what I used to do.
Push your way to the limo
and tell the road manager,
"It's worth letting me in, ask anybody."
Then if anybody touches you,
scream, "Jailbait!"
Kids today.
I cannot wait till the girls get here.
I remember my mother used to have
her friends over to play cards.
She'd put out the food.
I'd serve it.
But I didn't mind.
I just loved listening to them talk about...
how I'd never grow breasts...
...how I'd never get a guy...
how my pelvis didn't stand a chance during childbirth.
Then they'd all laugh.
After the rum cake kicked in,
Mom would pretend to lose me to Mrs. Hampe,
the woman that could never stop sweating.
Yes, well, it was traumatic then,
but looking back on it now,
I realize...
God, I hate my mother.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Uh...that's probably Louise and Fern.
Just breathe into a bag for a minute.
I'll get the door.
Oh.
Hi!
Girl, did you see that new checker at the mini-mart?
Woo!
He can work his way through this college.
Pick a place and park it.
The night is young, the men are gone,
the game is poker, and the only thing wild is me.
Kelly, you wanna join us?
Sure, why not?
Look what my life has become.
Playing cards with a bunch of sea hags.
You've all lost weight.
Oh! Oh!
So glad you noticed.
Have you ever played before?
Just with the guys.
Well, ante up.
I-I see you play how we youngsters play...
With our clothes on.
Actually, honey, we play for money.
Well, then, count me out.
I have to save my money for--
[MONEY RUSTLING]
Well, maybe just one hand.
Okay, great.
Now, who's got change for a dollar?
I wanna cash Al's paycheck.
Fire's lit.
Tell us a scary story, Dan'l.
Okey-dokey.
[CHUCKLES]
Kids, gather round the flashlight.
Now...
Once upon a time, there was a young boy,
a boy full of hope.
He was single...
thus he was happy.
Then one night, much like tonight,
something rose from the swamp.
He heard a noise behind him.
Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
He walked a little faster.
Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
Then he saw it.
And there, in the light of a bar,
stood the evil...
redheaded...
high-heeled spandex monster.
He ran from it.
He stood it up, he dated others,
but nothing could stop it!
He could hear its wild call...
[EFFEMINATELY] "Oh, honey?
Honey."
It was horrible.
Finally...it trapped him.
Opened-- Opened its hideous mouth,
bared its fangs, and said...
[EFFEMINATELY] "Marry me?"
And did he marry it, Dan'l?
Yes, I'm afraid he did.
And he was never heard from again.
But the worst of it is...
there's still some of them out there.
There might be one behind that tree!
[CAMPERS SCREAM]
Then again, there might not be.
But beware.
Wherever a man is free...
and has change in his pockets,
they'll come a-creepin', and they can't be stopped.
Now sleep...
if you can.
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
Wow.
Some story, huh, kids?
Yeah.
Now, join me in a little song we learned
when I was a lad at camp Skoharry.
* Alas, my love You do me wrong *
* To cast me out Discourteously *
* For I have Loved you so long *
So this is how it ends, eh, Dad?
* Greensleeves *
Steve, could you shut up?
Al, I'm trying to get these kids' minds
off the fact that they are going to die.
* Greensleeves *
It's gonna be okay.
See, your mother hasn't heard from us for a while.
So, she thinks we're havin' a good time.
Ergo, she has to stop it.
So she's probably on the phone to the state troopers by now.
Peggy, did you know your phone is off the hook?
What if our husbands wanna call us?
That's why it's off the hook.
Gimme a chance. I'll guess the name of the leaf.
[SNIFFS]
Ah, smells familiar.
Hmm, jagged edges.
Ah! I'm sure I know this.
Maybe tasting it would help.
Nope, I'm stumped. What is it?
Poison oak! Poison oak!
[CAMPERS LAUGH]
[CHUCKLES]
Ah, that was a good one, guys.
Well, when Uncle Steve gets done
bathing his body and tongue in the stream,
he'll hurry back and teach you all
how to play tree-diving.
Bundy, you stink.
We're starving.
Dad, I had a date tonight
with a girl they call Ever Ready.
Now, why haven't the women come to save us?
I don't know. Maybe they can't find us.
Maybe there's a white sale someplace.
All right, look, kids, you're old enough to know the truth.
They left us here to rot.
But don't worry...
we've got a secret weapon.
STEVE: Owl in my hair! Owl in my hair!
It's not him, is it?
No! No, it's Buck.
See, we'll send Buck home with a note
telling the women where we are,
and we'll be saved.
Do you think Buck can do it?
I know he can.
'Cause I've dropped him off in every part of town,
he always finds his way home.
Hey, Buck, take this note.
Go find Mommy.
Run, boy!
Run like the wind!
CAMPERS: Go, go, go, go!
I think if we keep our wits about us,
we'll all come out of this okay.
Bees!
Full house.
Read 'em and weep.
All I've got is four ones.
Those are aces, honey.
You mean I win again?
I guess I'll never get this game right.
Four ones.
Four ones?
That's the seventh hand in a row
she's gotten four ones.
Are you calling my daughter a cheat?
Well, where I come from, if it walks like a cheat,
quacks like a cheat,
we string it up like a cheat.
Marcie, think about it.
If my daughter were a cheat,
she wouldn't be failing high school.
Thanks, Mom.
All right, ladies. This time, kings are wild.
Just deal, girlie.
Do you think the guys are okay?
Oh, I'm sure they're fine.
They're with my Steve.
He was practically born in the woods.
Put thome more mud on my tongue, pleathe.
The poithon oak ith really kicking in.
Vewy thoothing.
Okay, kids.
If we get out of this alive, what are we going to do?
Victor?
Never marry.
That's right.
So remember, kids, when you meet a woman,
no matter how nice she is or what she looks like,
remember...
women get worse.
They get...
Older.
Meaner.
Fatter?
Leth compathonate.
AL: Very good.
Bud, how's Steve doing?
He's doin' great, Dad.
Who are we kidding?
He's a goner.
I say we put rocks in his pockets
and roll him into the river.
Hey, that's good buzzard bait you're throwin' away there.
Ah, what am I sayin'?
Buck the Wonder Dog will save the day.
[***]
[GROANS]
What's wrong with Mr. Rhoades?
He's dying, Victor.
Thus dies the house of Agamemnon.
[PIRATE ACCENT] Tie him to the yardarm, Mr. Christian!
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
[ENGLISH ACCENT] Oh, look, Father, I sat in something icky.
Should I get a club, Dad?
Nah, at least watchin' him gives us somethin' to do.
[STEVE GAGGING]
Oh, cool, he's foaming again.
Enjoy it while you can, 'cause help is on the way.
Come on, Buck.
ALL [CHANTING]: Come on, Buck!
Tha ba, ga.
ALL: Come on, Buck!
Ah guh, buh.
ALL: Come on, Buck!
[***]
Yes, I'm going to the Oozing Meat concert,
and I would like a stretch limo.
Oh, and have some lobster back there for me.
Gettin' backstage is hungry work, you know.
That was fun, wasn't it?
Yeah, great. Filthy little cheat!
I lost my grocery money.
Me too.
My husband's gonna go nuts.
Oh, don't worry.
Just tell him you've got PMS,
and you'll kill him.
Honey...
I didn't wanna say anything while the girls were here,
but I saw you cheating.
Now, you know what you have to do.
Yes, Mommy.
[SIGHS]
The usual 50 percent?
Let's make it 60,
just to teach you a lesson.
[DOG HOWLS]
Kelly, can't your dates just honk the horn
like they did in my day?
Oh, it's Buck.
I thought he went with the guys.
Well, I guess not.
Oh, look, he's got something in his mouth.
[GROWLS] Oh!
Well...
Guess he'll give it to us when he's ready.
Yeah.
[MOANING]
Can't we shut him up?
We need him, Bud.
He's keepin' the animals away.
Don't worry about it.
Buck's gonna save us.
Believe me.
I ought to know, I...
[WEAKLY] I trained him.
[MOANING]
[***]